Jason Blume (May 1, 2003
Paul - You certainly know how to write a perfectly crafted song,
but that’s not enough to beat out the competition. This song
is "good" but it doesn’t feel "WOW" to me, either melodically
or lyrically. The concept isn’t especially fresh. The idea
is very reminiscent of Brooks & Dunn’s #1,"THAT AIN’T
NO WAY TO GO," but that one was so powerful melodically and lyrically.
If you don’t know that song check it out as a reference. Melodically,
there’s nothing "wrong," but there’s nothing that grabs
me or feels rhythmically or melodically unique. You might benefit
from trying some of the melody rewriting techniques on my instructional
CD. I recommend “breaking” the line into segments of
varying length – and then altering the rhythms of those segments.
It’s hard to explain – that’s why I did it on
CD – so I can sing and play examples. Lyrically: There’s
some wonderful, detailed images.
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:13:21 PM)
yes, I know the song....it was memorable just as you say
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:13:22 PM)
All the lines in the chorus are terrific – but for me the
weakest link is the title. I just don’t feel it’s as
strong as the other lines that surround it. Verse 1: to accompany
you as you float away from me . . .doesn’t work for me because
although I understand that you mean the pictures, it seems like
a drowned body floating away. Verse 2: “Pulled in like any
other day . . .” pulled in to what? I need “pulled in
the drive . . .” “Any fool could see” could be
stronger for me. It’s stating the obvious. I’d use those
syllables to describe what being “packed and gone” looked
like. (i.e., pictures taken off the wall)
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:13:25 PM)
“You wrote me ‘darlin’ something’s wrong’
. . .” I don’t think that’s what you’d write
when you’re leaving. This is way beyond “something’s
wrong.” Suggestion: you might consider swapping your verses
so that first she leaves him, then he says goodbye to the relationship.
The bridge works well for me . . . but it hammers home my sense
that the title isn’t quite right. When it comes back to the
title it doesn’t work as well for me as I’d like it
to. Other than that, good work! You’ve clearly got the ability
to write successful songs. Persistence, persistence, persistence!
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:14:27 PM)
ok....so, looks like the verses get swapped
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:14:34 PM)
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:14:38 PM)
I don't need a brick wall to fall on me for that one!
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:14:49 PM)
that's why we all need critiques
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:00 PM)
thanks jason, I'm still learning everyday, I appreciate the help
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:09 PM)
I'm still reading back through your notes
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:15:30 PM)
sorry to overwhelm you -- but I was a Tunesmith virgin
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:39 PM)
no, that's how I do too...cut and paste
LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:15:40 PM)
any questions Paul...LOL Jason
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:01 PM)
it's worth tweaking, in your opinion?
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:05 PM)
or scrap and start over?
LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:16:18 PM)
1 minute warning
LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:16:27 PM)
We are still on Jasons floor time
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:16:33 PM)
i'd work on it if you can find a stronger title -- and if you feel
Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:16:50 PM)
(This user has entered LIVE) (IP = 220.127.116.11)
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:55 PM)
I've been writing about a year...it's hard to always know what's
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:17:07 PM)
that's the part I'm still trying to desparately learn
LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:17:29 PM)
Thank you Jason! We are now on open floor for ten minutes anyone
and everyone PLEASE comment on Paul's song and try and stay focused....
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:17:46 PM)
thanks very much jason...I appreciate your time and insight
Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:17:57 PM)
Paul, I've been writing for a long time, and I'm still figuring
out what to keep
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:18:00 PM)
you're welcome. i hope it helps.
Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:18:08 PM)
it's awfully subjective sometimes
The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:18:19
Paul, considering the fact that you have only written a dozen songs
so far in your lifetime... i think you are ready to move on and
write another... you could do the re-write as an exercise, but chances
are, that you're gonna get a LOT stronger as a writer in the next
100 songs... you DO have some real talent.
Nan (May 1, 2003 11:18:19 PM)
Paul, you amaze me, thats about all i have to say :)
Kurt (May 1, 2003 11:18:25 PM)
"Funny" bothered me too
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:18:58 PM)
geez, thanks Al and Nan...I have learned so much here in the past
LisaM (May 1, 2003 11:19:00 PM)
Paul you know that I love everything you write. I love your sound
and your style in your songs
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:19:01 PM)
Wow. The fact that you can do this after only a dozen songs is incredible!
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:06 PM)
I owe tons to what you've done here
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:13 PM)
this one was actually my 4th song last year
The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:19:24
serious Jason... this guy is brand new... he's gonna make it.
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:29 PM)
tons of help here for the aspiring writer
Son of a Muse (May 1, 2003 11:19:38
ditto that Paul
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:19:42 PM)
I probably wrote for ten years before I got to the level you're
Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:19:42 PM)
you ARE a writer...aspiring to success
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:20:06 PM)
wow...thanks jason. I'm reading 6 Steps right now...my first of
Krazaneeple (May 1, 2003 11:20:08 PM)
That is pretty amazing.
Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:20:21 PM)
we are using Jason's curriculum in my NSAI group
The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:20:22
We're here for people like you Paul... we want to see you suceed.
Juan (May 1, 2003 11:20:23 PM)
i strongly recomend the Hit Melody CD.
Casey (May 1, 2003 11:20:24 PM)
Paul...great visual on this song....I would like to hear things
dragged out a little (timewise) to really hear the story..I agree
about switching the verses. Build it up. Your chorus is strong...just
don't like the word Funny..it doesn't work. Your vocals are great,
but I could hear you were tired, especially on certain parts where
your voice was tired. That is important...keep your vocals alive
and with feeling.
Juan (May 1, 2003 11:20:36 PM)
I think it's the best about songwriting out there
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:21:29 PM)
thanks casey, I appreciate the notes
Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:21:48 PM)
thanks to Gina, Keith and Jason for taking the time to listen and
critique...I took TONS of notes!
Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:22:21 PM)
Best of luck to all! Follow your dream!!!
LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:22:22 PM)
Thank you Jason Gina and Keith for a wonderful evening and your
insight! Tonights session has been recorded in transcript and will
be posted for review