Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:12:50 PM)
Paul - You certainly know how to write a perfectly crafted song, but that’s not enough to beat out the competition. This song is "good" but it doesn’t feel "WOW" to me, either melodically or lyrically. The concept isn’t especially fresh. The idea is very reminiscent of Brooks & Dunn’s #1,"THAT AIN’T NO WAY TO GO," but that one was so powerful melodically and lyrically. If you don’t know that song check it out as a reference. Melodically, there’s nothing "wrong," but there’s nothing that grabs me or feels rhythmically or melodically unique. You might benefit from trying some of the melody rewriting techniques on my instructional CD. I recommend “breaking” the line into segments of varying length – and then altering the rhythms of those segments. It’s hard to explain – that’s why I did it on CD – so I can sing and play examples. Lyrically: There’s some wonderful, detailed images.

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:13:21 PM)
yes, I know the song....it was memorable just as you say

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:13:22 PM)
All the lines in the chorus are terrific – but for me the weakest link is the title. I just don’t feel it’s as strong as the other lines that surround it. Verse 1: to accompany you as you float away from me . . .doesn’t work for me because although I understand that you mean the pictures, it seems like a drowned body floating away. Verse 2: “Pulled in like any other day . . .” pulled in to what? I need “pulled in the drive . . .” “Any fool could see” could be stronger for me. It’s stating the obvious. I’d use those syllables to describe what being “packed and gone” looked like. (i.e., pictures taken off the wall)

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:13:25 PM)
“You wrote me ‘darlin’ something’s wrong’ . . .” I don’t think that’s what you’d write when you’re leaving. This is way beyond “something’s wrong.” Suggestion: you might consider swapping your verses so that first she leaves him, then he says goodbye to the relationship. The bridge works well for me . . . but it hammers home my sense that the title isn’t quite right. When it comes back to the title it doesn’t work as well for me as I’d like it to. Other than that, good work! You’ve clearly got the ability to write successful songs. Persistence, persistence, persistence!

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:14:27 PM)
ok....so, looks like the verses get swapped

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:14:34 PM)
yup

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:14:38 PM)
I don't need a brick wall to fall on me for that one!

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:14:49 PM)
that's why we all need critiques

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:00 PM)
thanks jason, I'm still learning everyday, I appreciate the help

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:09 PM)
I'm still reading back through your notes

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:15:30 PM)
sorry to overwhelm you -- but I was a Tunesmith virgin

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:15:39 PM)
no, that's how I do too...cut and paste

LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:15:40 PM)
any questions Paul...LOL Jason

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:01 PM)
it's worth tweaking, in your opinion?

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:05 PM)
or scrap and start over?

LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:16:18 PM)
1 minute warning

LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:16:27 PM)
We are still on Jasons floor time

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:16:33 PM)
i'd work on it if you can find a stronger title -- and if you feel compelled

Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:16:50 PM)
(This user has entered LIVE) (IP = 141.150.207.247)

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:16:55 PM)
I've been writing about a year...it's hard to always know what's keeper material,etc

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:17:07 PM)
that's the part I'm still trying to desparately learn

LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:17:29 PM)
Thank you Jason! We are now on open floor for ten minutes anyone and everyone PLEASE comment on Paul's song and try and stay focused....

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:17:46 PM)
thanks very much jason...I appreciate your time and insight

Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:17:57 PM)
Paul, I've been writing for a long time, and I'm still figuring out what to keep

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:18:00 PM)
you're welcome. i hope it helps.

Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:18:08 PM)
it's awfully subjective sometimes

The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:18:19 PM)
Paul, considering the fact that you have only written a dozen songs so far in your lifetime... i think you are ready to move on and write another... you could do the re-write as an exercise, but chances are, that you're gonna get a LOT stronger as a writer in the next 100 songs... you DO have some real talent.

Nan (May 1, 2003 11:18:19 PM)
Paul, you amaze me, thats about all i have to say :)

Kurt (May 1, 2003 11:18:25 PM)
"Funny" bothered me too

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:18:58 PM)
geez, thanks Al and Nan...I have learned so much here in the past year

LisaM (May 1, 2003 11:19:00 PM)
Paul you know that I love everything you write. I love your sound and your style in your songs

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:19:01 PM)
Wow. The fact that you can do this after only a dozen songs is incredible!

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:06 PM)
I owe tons to what you've done here

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:13 PM)
this one was actually my 4th song last year

The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:19:24 PM)
serious Jason... this guy is brand new... he's gonna make it.

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:19:29 PM)
tons of help here for the aspiring writer

Son of a Muse (May 1, 2003 11:19:38 PM)
ditto that Paul

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:19:42 PM)
I probably wrote for ten years before I got to the level you're at.

Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:19:42 PM)
you ARE a writer...aspiring to success

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:20:06 PM)
wow...thanks jason. I'm reading 6 Steps right now...my first of yours

Krazaneeple (May 1, 2003 11:20:08 PM)
That is pretty amazing.

Ruth again (May 1, 2003 11:20:21 PM)
we are using Jason's curriculum in my NSAI group

The Mirror Never Lies (May 1, 2003 11:20:22 PM)
We're here for people like you Paul... we want to see you suceed.

Juan (May 1, 2003 11:20:23 PM)
i strongly recomend the Hit Melody CD.

Casey (May 1, 2003 11:20:24 PM)
Paul...great visual on this song....I would like to hear things dragged out a little (timewise) to really hear the story..I agree about switching the verses. Build it up. Your chorus is strong...just don't like the word Funny..it doesn't work. Your vocals are great, but I could hear you were tired, especially on certain parts where your voice was tired. That is important...keep your vocals alive and with feeling.

Juan (May 1, 2003 11:20:36 PM)
I think it's the best about songwriting out there

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:21:29 PM)
thanks casey, I appreciate the notes

Paul_L (May 1, 2003 11:21:48 PM)
thanks to Gina, Keith and Jason for taking the time to listen and critique...I took TONS of notes!

Jason Blume (May 1, 2003 11:22:21 PM)
Best of luck to all! Follow your dream!!!

LeeAnn (May 1, 2003 11:22:22 PM)
Thank you Jason Gina and Keith for a wonderful evening and your insight! Tonights session has been recorded in transcript and will be posted for review

 


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